Published March 26, 2009
suffocating
drowning
unable to move
I'm dead.
I should be numb
I'm wasting away in a make-shift coffin
aren't these supposed to be bug proof?
well, mine isn't
I cant move
I'm dead
but i can feel...and see....
I still have these last few senses.
They start off nice.
not biting me too hard
staying near the toes
good thing I'm never going to walk again
They work their ways up
eating my skin
I see myself going though their disgusting mouths
can just imagine it flowing down their throats.
I hope they die
my fingers, toes
all that are left are
bones
now it's on to my hair and clothes
hours later,
those are gone
and I'm still here
they work down through my lungs
my lungs are rotted
their debris fills me
now my intestines and liver are gone
all that's left are bones
now to my face
and away with my nose
into my mouth they flood
they crawl through my teeth
swerve down my throat
through with the nose
and ears
now through the cavities they go
eating away at my brain
and eyes
away with my baby blues and lashes
away with my mind
away with my memories
away with brain cells
away into their bulging stomachs
bugs are crawling through and around
between bones and teeth
eating leftover skin
eating away the brains and tongue
and I'm left defenseless
no way to defend myself
no way to scream
because in the murder I have been in
no one will be able to see
for the bugs...
have eaten me.
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,717 Reviews
Thank ya'll so much! I personally kinda hate this poem. It's really bad, but yes, I wrote it to have a little humor in it (So Marnie, yes! It was supposed to make you laugh a little).
Thank you again. I'm really horrible with my caps and mechanical-stuff. Thats always been really bad for me. Thank you guys again so much though.
BTW, do any of you know how to edit these?
-Music
PS....wow. I have really bad grammar.
Ok that was good and gross at the same time.
I thought some of it had a little humor to it. You did have some grammer mistakes, such as ''i'' should be ''I''. It didn't make sense at some parts....such as the bugs. Most of the time they don't get into a coffin. Another one was how you wrote you still had some senses left. So I was confused were you dead, or alive? 
Next time make it a little more clear. Yet, over all it was good. 
Well,I don't know where to start. I liked it. It was wonderful, Dear. But you need to add a little more punctuation. I notice a few times, you didn't capitalize the beginning of a sentence. I know, Dear, if it was probably a mistake. In fact, I had to fix a few things in this paragraph. But, the edited version still needs a little work. Other than that, I thought it was pretty good. I think that most of the poems here are all good. I think you have a wonderful future ahead of you.
THIS WAS KINDA GROSS BUT IT WAS KINDA WEIRD AT THE SAME TIME. CAUSE I UNDERSTOOD WAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BUT THEN I GOT ALL WACKED OUT.
Not to sound rude or anything, but of some reason I found this really funny. I'm not sure why
Anyway, this is pretty good. I like it
The biggest thing I picked up on where just little typos like, 'i' and not 'I' but overall it was good.
This was really funny to me, I don't why!
Good job and again I like it
that was really good but to me i need to feel feeling like sadness .. um anything. but its good overall.
For me, i was able to see pass the fact that their was no beat or rhyme, and just feel pretty disturbed by this. It good but a tiny bit boring. it seems sometimes like you're just listing what happened. Put more feeling into it. My advice is to take this same idea and get a rhyme scheme into it. It will be a million times better. Believe me. My favorite (and most disturbing) stanza had to be this:
Away with my baby blues and lashes
away with my mind
away with my memories
away with brain cells
away into their bulging stomachs.
Anyway, this just needs a little work, keep writing and next time try some rhyme!
Not too fond of this piece ( but I hate saying I don't like pieces on here )!
You should definitely think about more punctuation and adding a little rhythm to your poetry because when it is being read it is so...discontinued, almost. It is hard to read something that does not have a beat to it and makes the audience confused in a way. Everything here just seems like muddled words that don't really connect.
[spoiler]3/10[/spoiler]
When ever you write a poem, make sure that your caps are right. Punctuation too. Most of us think that's not important, but it is.
I like the words you used in here, but they're all "just for themselves" and they don't fit with other stuff in your poem. Another major problem in here are repetitions-they don't sound too good.
I also disliked your ending-it's nothing special. Although I didn't liked the poem, I'm sure you're see what's wrong when you read that article ( viewarticlebody.php?t=39518 )
2/10